For most of you who aren’t being falsely imprisoned by Cambridge Clinical School, your summer is right around the corner. You’ve got several months of free time which you can spend enjoying the Sun, learning new hobbies, catching up with old friends and making new memories. But you’ve probably planned to spend a bulk of it sitting at home and watching Friends reruns on TV, right? Maybe it’s time to take out your dusty world map (who am I kidding, we all use GoogleMaps) and start planning a fun summer vacation. There’s a lot of things to consider when deciding where to go – it depends a lot on who you are, and what kind of vacation you’re looking for. Here’s some advice to help you out.
You are extremely rich and money is not an issue for you.
Firstly, what are you doing reading my blog?
Secondly, money is pretty useful when travelling. Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness obviously has never had to buy two euro wine because they couldn’t afford anything else. If money isn’t an issue, I suggest spending a week in the French Riviera – these are a collection of very pretty cities in the south of France that include Nice, Cannes, Saint Tropez and the tiny country of Monaco. Splurging on your money here will give you access to Michelin class food and world class hotels. If you get bored mainland, you can also buy a yacht and travel to the surrounding islands of St Marguerite and St Honorat. Feeling lucky? Of course you are, you’re rich. Why not drop by the world famous Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco and try your hand at blackjack, roulette, or baccarat.
You like living life on the edge.
What’s life without a little excitement, am I right? War torn Somalia is filled with fascinating wildlife, beautiful deserts, and friendly locals. Some local attractions include:
- Visiting the various minefields and watch them go off;
- Sitting by the coast and watch pirates hijack oil tankers as they pass by;
- Exploring the countryside, tied up in the back of a warlord’s Jeep.
There’s never a dull day in Somalia! If you’ve always felt that a central government was ruining your previous holidays, then this is the place for you.
For further advice about what to do in Somalia and how to stay safe, here’s a useful page from the Australian Government.
You like being the most indie person in your group.
Don’t you hate when you tell someone you’ve travelled somewhere, and they say, “Oh wow me too, what did you like about it?” How are you ever gonna earn enough Instagram likes if other people have been there before? It’s time to pack your fedora and DSLR and explore some of the least popular tourist destinations in the world. You’ll be in places people swear they only heard in a Marvel movie. Try out:
- Djibouti, so that next time when your friends ask you think of a country that begins with D, you won’t have to say Denmark anymore;
- Nauru, if you’re a big fan of phosphate mines and literally nothing else;
- Bhutan, if you like penises.
You don’t like people.
Tristan da Cunha, located in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, is the most remote inhabited island in the world. It’s the perfect place to escape the hustle and bustle of modern world, get in touch with nature, or hide from your ex-girlfriend. Getting to this isolated paradise is pretty difficult. There is no airport, so you have to either charter a boat or swim. There’s also no mobile phone coverage, but at least when your parents try calling you, your ‘no signal’ excuse will actually be true. You can, however, check your Facebook in the one internet cafe on the island. There are about 270 residents on the island, most of them very welcoming to visitors. Just don’t use Tinder here, it gets old really fast.
You want to go to, objectively, the best place in the world.
A large panel of experts have unanimously agreed that the best place for a vacation is Kuching, Malaysia. Located in the jungles of Borneo, it’s got everything you need for a summer getaway. Jungle trekking, canoeing, scuba diving, lounging on the beach, and even a national park. Just be sure to avoid malaria, dengue fever, Hepatitis B and C, tuberculosis, and various exotic parasites. At night when the sun goes down and the gangsters come out, take some time off to explore our Riverside. Bring a camera to take some pictures of yourself and of pickpockets that often come by and say hello. Or, if you’re in the mood for some clubbing, come visit one of our three night clubs in the entire city. The party goes on all night (until 1 am).
Travelling to Malaysia now is especially great for foreigners – the Malaysian government have kindly reduced the value of our currency by 20% so now holidaying in Malaysia is cheaper than ever!
I hope you find those tips useful. As always, remember the three S’s of travelling:
- Be SAFE – be aware of your surroundings at all time;
- SAVE money – you never know when spare cash might come in handy;
- Stay SEXY – we all know the main reason why we travel is so that we can show off our summer wear.
Have a great summer!
(The author is not responsible for any accidents, gun wounds, theft, or loss of sanity that may arise from travelling to any of these mentioned locations).